The Rematch Process
- Abbie
- Feb 12, 2020
- 17 min read
As amazing as au pair life may seem and look perfect I can assure you that it is not. A lot of people whilst I was going through the au pair process right in the beginning asked “What happens if you get an awful family” or “What about if you don’t like them or they don’t like you” and “What if they turn out to be serial killers”. Rematching is almost like a safety net or “back up” for au pairs and of course also host families. In case something goes wrong, you’re not happy or somebody is not safe then you are able to rematch.
So, for those of you that don’t know a rematch is a process that allows au pairs to leave their host family and to find a new one and the same for host families, it allows them to look for another au pair.
Now it is totally normal for things to seem odd and unnerving on your arrival to your host family but don’t let those natural feelings of you adjusting to your new surroundings cloud your judgement. It’s key that you give settling in some time and allowing yourself to truly get to know your host family, especially the kids.
If after some time of you getting settled things are still not good, you're not happy with the family then you are able to talk with your LCC which I highly recommend. I also recommend talking with some other au pairs, either friends you made at the training school, other au pairs in your group or that you're friends with. It also helps to talk with you're family but what I found in my experience is that the idea of me not being happy and feeling comfortable worried them. So, by all means tell them but just beware that you don't want to overwhelm or worry them.
It's exceptionally rare but if by some chance you have found yourself to be in a nasty situation or you are not safe then your LCC will remove you from your host family immediately and help you.
Steps for rematch
1. Talk to your LCC & other au pairs - Talking to people is crucial when going through and dealing with this. I promise you it will definitely help you to get through it. Now some people know straight away that things aren't right or that things aren't gonna work out. For others they might have a hunch at the beginning, they decide to give things time to work it out and for some people things seem good at the start and then something might happen later on which makes them make the decision for a rematch. Both are OK. Whichever category you fall under is OK. For me in my experience of rematch I knew almost from the moment I walked in that things weren't gonna work out and that I didn’t belong there. I can’t explain it, I just knew. I don't want to go into all the details of my rematch because the family I was with were nice people and at the time they were just going through certain things. This impacted my arrival and it just set the tone for me and helped me make my decision. I don't dislike the family, I don't hate them and it was an extremely friendly rematch. They understood my reasons and most importantly they respected them and we're still very much in touch. Like I said I knew from very early on that I knew it wasn't going to work out. I spoke with my LCC and a few people from Cultural Care back in England just so I could get some advice and also know my options. Now be prepared that the programme and your LCC will advise you to "give it some time". For sure take that in to consideration but if like me you feel like you just know then don't let them (or anyone for that matter) talk you out of it. My LCC was extremely helpful and I was blessed to have her help and kindness. She went above and beyond to help me and to figure out what was best for me. She knew what I wanted before I even did. The family that I ended up matching with, she actually reached out to them and spoke with them for hours (before I did) trying to see if they were the perfect fit (turns out they were and I wouldn’t have found them if not for her). Now take in to consideration not all LCC’s are the same and I was very lucky to be blessed to have such a kind and generous lady who really did take care of me when I didn’t have anyone. I also spoke to the friends that I had made at the training school and that was extremely eye opening for me. Seeing how at ease, how comfortable and how different they were feeling with their families compared to how I felt with mine made me realise that what I was feeling wasn’t right. Now I know everyone’s host families are different, every au pair is different and all situations are different but all in all you should feel good with your family and you should 100% always feel comfortable. I was in denial with the whole situation for a little while and I definitely avoided talking with friends and family back home. I felt like I had decided to do this great thing, everyone was so proud and, in my head, this was proof that I was just failing. Now the more I think back to this the more I’m angry at myself. I did not fail. I wasn’t making anyone any less proud. If anything, I was doing the complete opposite. I was making them even more proud. I was proving that I was an adult, that I was independent and that I could make mistakes and learn from them. So, in the end I talked to my family. They were so far away from being disappointed in me, they were just sad for me that things hadn’t worked out like I had expected them to. They knew how I felt and when I told them my choice they respected it. They were so incredibly proud with how I had dealt with everything and that I didn’t just crumble when things started going wrong. Now I’m not gonna lie they were worried for me, they were scared that again I was gonna find myself in another bad situation which is natural they’re my parents, they worry. Even though I’m an adult and I’m independent they worry, they’re my parents, it’s kind of their job. So, your parents, your friends, your family they will worry. No matter what you tell them or don’t tell them they will worry. So, by all means tell them but just rememeber that you’re very far from home and they can't be there to physically help you and that’s tough on you and them. For some people the idea of a rematch is this god-awful thing, they have some kind feeling and opinion about it. Let me tell you rematch is NOT a BAD THING. DO NOT be ashamed that you’re going through this process. You’re learning, your host family are learning from mistakes that have been made by everyone and you’re moving forward with them. Rematching was the best decision I ever made and because of that I gained a new home, a new family and had one of the best, most memorable years of my life. That never would’ve happened if I hadn’t decided to rematch. Rematch is your friend. Rematch is there to HELP you. I know this experience is scary and of course nobody wants to go through it but that doesn’t mean that people don’t.
2. Exit Meeting - Once you’ve come to the decision that you want to go into rematch the next step is an exit meeting held by your LCC in which you and your host family attend. The LCC will come to your house and will sit down with you and your host family. At first, they’ll see if the issues you have can be resolved. What you can all do to maybe help change the way you or your host family are feeling. If there isn’t anything that can be done or you just know that this is the right decision then you’ll move forward with the meeting. Your LCC will make sure that you all understand what is expected of each other. From the date of the exit meeting you have two weeks to find a new family. During those two weeks if your host family need you then you are required to work (and you WILL get paid). If they have childcare covered or for their own reasons they do not need you then they are not required to pay you. The next thing you might discuss is living arrangements. In my rematch I was able to stay with my host family and they even offered that if when I found my family they couldn’t have me until a few days after the two-week period then I was welcome to stay with them longer which was super nice of them and not required in the contract. Some families will be friendly about it and will allow you to stay with them throughout the process and longer but others may not allow you to stay the extended time and if this occurs then you will stay with your LCC or if you can stay with a friend then that’s an option as long as its confirmed with their host family. Then after a few final signature’s you guys are ready to move onto the next step of the rematch process.
3. Finding a new family– You may be thinking that two weeks to find a new family is crazy, IT IS but it’s part of the programmes contract and it is ACHIEVABLE. Now after your exit meeting it might be a day or two before your profile goes online for families to view and for you to view other families. I had several people tell me about the Facebook pages online in which also allowed you to see families that were looking for au pairs. This is not set up by cultural care but it can be another resource to help you look for that perfect family. I was in several and although I didn’t find my family that way it was helpful to have that to also look and talk to families. (*I’ll leave the links to those groups at the end of the post for those who might be interested). It was a long time ago now that I was in rematch but I think I had to update my profile and possibly give a short explanation on my reason for rematching. So now it’s back to the beginning and your looking and speaking to families again. Although this time you’re talking more and looking harder because this time you have a deadline, a timeline and it can be a very stressful time.
My TOP TIPS on picking that perfect family:
1. Don’t rush– Now I know I said earlier that you have a time restriction on how long you have to find a family, that’s true BUT still take all of the time you possibly can. This is not a decision or choice you want to rush, trust me. If like me you struggle making decisions then you use those full two weeks the best you can to find a family there’s nothing or no one stopping you. Rematching can be a very stressful time for au pairs, that two-week countdown puts a lot of pressure on us. Lots of au pairs (including me) worry that they won’t find that perfect family in time. Then when they start to think about the possibility of them not finding a family, they have to try and come to terms with the fact that they could possibly be heading home. A lot of pairs (also including me) did not want this and it was upsetting thinking about everything you have to do and face to get here and then you’re just getting sent home, punished almost for things not working out. Mistakes happen and it’s important to know that and remember that when you’re going through this. Good things are headed your away afterwards and that would never happen if you hadn’t of gone through this. Everything truly does happen for a reason. Anyway, try not to let that affect you and the decision you’re making. For me one of the reasons I felt like I was in rematch was because the first time around I rushed myself into deciding and that didn’t allow me to fully see that the choice I made was ultimately the wrong one. So, for me the second time around I made sure to give myself all the time I could and that allowed me to really make the best decision for me. So, my advice to you don’t because you only have two weeks pick the first good family that you come across. Allow yourself some time to get to know them, it’s really important that you don’t rush into deciding.
*Now I know I said that in the contract it allows you two weeks to find that new family but, in some cases, it can be a little longer. A friend of mine in Charlottesville who lived in the same neighbourhood as me, went in to rematch. Now he had his two weeks and then his host family had to have him leave. My friend spoke with Cultural Care and because he had shown that he was so desperately finding families and doing everything he could to find a match that they allowed him some extra days. Within those extra days he actually stayed with me and my host family, because of those extra days he got allowed he found his perfect family and spent the rest of his year with them and had a blast. So, in some cases this can happen. I’m not sure if it happens often or if it’s allowed to happen but in one case it did. This is even more reason to try not to rush and stress, it won’t do you any good.*
2. Make a list – One of the good things that come out of a rematch is that after being with your first family you know exactly what you DON’T want, exactly what you DO want and that is really helpful when looking for a new family. I’m a pretty organised person, I make lists for everything in my life and I still use a written date diary (call me old fashioned). So, the first thing I did when I went in to rematch was, you guessed it, I wrote myself a list. A list of all the things I suddenly realised I wanted or didn’t want. When making your list you should think about everything and I mean EVERYTHING. For example:
- Your schedule/hours– As an au pair we’re only contracted to work a maximum of 10 hours a day and no more than 45 hours a week. Some au pairs do barely any hours a week and others do the full 45. Working during the week and working on weekends are also things to think about when looking for your new family.
- Ages of kids & how many kids – Taking care of one kid is tough so, you can only imagine what taking care of four, five or even six kids is like. The thing with being an au pair is you’ll never really know until you’re here. So, for some au pairs who in their first family take care of four they might realise it’s too much for them and they want to take care of two or one and vice versa. Age, also another big factor when looking for your next family. For me this was actually a big part of my rematch and my decision. Some au pairs work with older kids who attend school and are all round more independent. Others take care of the babies, the toddlers, the ones who depend on you constantly and want your all-round attention and care. Now taking care of older kids is not for everybody and taking care of babies and smaller kids is not for everybody. Within this time is where you get to figure out and decide what’s for you, which one is it that you want. Now depending on the ages of the kids will depend on how many or how little hours you work. So, make sure you really think about all of that before making any decisions. Make sure to have a rough idea of what you want.
- The location – This is a huge factor on many au pairs decisions. Now it is a very important factor and I think it should definitely be something you think about and take into consideration when making your decision but, do not let that be the ONLY reason that you’re making that decision. It’s really important to love where you live, to enjoy the environment that you’re surrounded by but don’t pick a family just because of where they live and don’t not pick a family because it’s not where you want to be. When I first told everyone that I was going to be living in America for a year, you think the first place that sprung to my mind was Charlottesville, Virginia? No, I’d never even heard of it but did I fall in love with it? Yes. Did I have a wonderful family who I adore? Yes. Now from my personal experience location played a big part on my deciding when I was in rematch. I had this vision in my mind of where I wanted to be. California, New York, Chicago. Out of them all I had my heart set on California. Now after a little while I had narrowed down my decision to two families. One in California, the other in Virginia. Now I think I was in denial then but now, when I look bad I so badly wanted to choose the first family because I so badly wanted to live in California when I knew in my heart that the family in Virginia where perfect for me and I knew deep down I should pick them. Now in the end I did the right thing for myself and told myself that having a good, right family was more important than where I was living and it turns out I was right. Now look, because of my extension, I ended up in California anyway. (I got the best of both worlds) All I’m saying is don’t let location be the ultimate and only reason for your decision because a loving family is much better (in my opinion) than a great place to live.
3. Relationships – Most au pairs know before they arrive with their first host family the type of relationship they want to develop with them. Whether they really want to embrace the cultural care exchange programme and become a member of the family or if they want just an employer/employee relationship. Some families that want to welcome you to their family will invite you on vacations and invite you to spend holidays such as Christmas and thanksgiving with them. Other families may not invite you on those vacations and might not offer you to join them during holidays but it’s important that you know what you want and to know what they want so you can understand each other. Some au pairs might not realise what they want or they’ve changed their mind about what they want and so it’s important to make sure to speak with the families whilst in rematch the relationship they want with their au pair or that they had with their previous au pairs. Always ask to talk to the previous au pairs (if you can). It can be really helpful and insightful to talk to someone that is not the host Mum or Dad. They can sometimes give you more insight on the responsibilites and roles, the schedule, the hours and what you’ll be expected to do and what is expected of you as being that family’s au pair. So definitely take into consideration that not all families want to make the au pair a member of their family and also as an au pair you might not want a family that treats you like a member of the family. Therefore, it’s important to put that across when talking with those families, make sure you’re asking the right questions, the best questions for you and making sure you’re telling them the things that you’d expect and want.
4. Do whatever you can to find a family– Going through the rematch process like I said is tough, it can be really hard on you and it can make you just want to give up. DON’T DO THAT. You want to find a good family, you don’t want to go home and the only way you’re going to do that is if you get up and well, DO IT. Now for many you have to continue working during the rematch process and so it can be hard to find the time. Lucky enough for me my kids went to school so I had all day and free time during the evenings and night to talk with families. For those of you who have younger kids then just try fit it in wherever and whenever possible. When they nap is a good time to Facetime or call a family. Just make the time. Do whatever you can to make the time to speak to them. Yes, it’s going to be stressful. Yes, it’s going to be hectic and crazy and you won’t know whether you’re coming or going but, I promise, when you find that great family that you’ve been looking so hard to find, it’ll all be worth it. Join the Facebook groups/pages, there are a few. There are lots of rematch pages on Facebook that my LCC showed me. They have nothing to do with cultural care but it is something extra that you can do to reach out to families and talk with them. This is especially good if your profile hasn’t gone up yet and it’s just something for you to do that will help whist you wait. Talk to as many families as your programme will allow you to. If you see a family on your profile from Ohio for example, but you never wanted to go to Ohio, you never even thought or heard of Ohio, don’t decline it just because of that. Read every single connection from a family that you get and try and speak to as many as you can. Your perfect family is out there, waiting, but you just have to find them.
5. Talk to your LCC – Your LCC is here to help you, especially when going through hard times like this. Make sure you talk with her not just for advice but also to try and see if she can reach out to other LCC’s and do what she or he can to help find you that perfect family. Like I said earlier I was extremely lucky and got by far the best LCC anyone could dream of. She was incredible and she truly went above and beyond to help me find a family and because of her, I did. She was tremendously kind and was very much there for me when I felt the loneliest I’d ever felt. Now not every LCC is like that but it is still very important to keep in touch with your LCC and your programme whist going through this transition. You never know what they might do or say that’s going to help you.
6. Be open – It’s important as an au pair to always be honest and open with your host family, your LCC and importantly yourself.This is especially important when going through rematch. Always be open with the families you’re talking to. Be open about the kind of things you would like from them, the type of relationship you want, how you deal with troubling behaviour, how you deal in tough situations, your driving skills, your background with children, all of it, just be open and honest. Also, when thinking about your next family and where you want to be, be open about that. Before and whilst going through rematch we have these ideal families in our heads, how many kids we want to take care of and we have the ideal places where we want to go but it doesn’t and can’t always happen like that, that’s exactly what they are, ideas. Ideas can change, how you feel can change. It’s good to have things you know you want and things you know you don’t want but just remember to flexible and open. You never know what’s going to happen. Like I said earlier I never imagined when I started doing this programme that I’d be in Virginia but it was the best time of my life.
7. Final two families make a pro’s & con’s list – That’s right, you guessed it. Yes, another list. So, I guess for some they from the beginning just know (honestly, I think I did but I was so determined about the location I let that affect me for a little bit). Anyway, when you get it nailed down to your last two final families, I made a list. A pro’s and con’s list that helped me figure out what was best for me and which family was best for me. I wrote down every little thing and it really did help, especially if you’re quite an indecisive person, like me. In the end, I just knew. That’s all it came down to, a gut feeling, in my heart and mind I knew which family was right, was perfect. It does sound cheesy, you just know but honestly you just do. I went through a rough patch for a little bit whilst in rematch and everyone kept telling me “when you know you know” but I didn’t feel like that with any of the families and then suddenly, I found them and I just knew. Don’t be down hearted if you haven’t found that yet, it will happen, you will find them.
Now everyone is different, everyone’s situations are different and everyone handles these situations differently, I know that. I am in no way a professional on everything au pair, I am not qualified in au pair life and I by no means claim to know everything about it all but I have been through these things and I am living these experiences alongside you, with you. I understand it. I deal and face the same things all you other au pairs do and I like to think these posts will help you, even just one person. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that my tips may not be for everybody, they may not work for everybody but I put them out there for everybody just in case they do.
*Link below for Facebook groups/pages for rematch
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1560149307598854/
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